so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
