Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
there is puke in my bra ... again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
