The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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