mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
