We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
