I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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