At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
