FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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