So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
