I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
