I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
