two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
