I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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