I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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