Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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