Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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