remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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