i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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