i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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