Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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