Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
