i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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