Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
