Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
