Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
