fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
