I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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