meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
