i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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