Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
