he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize