I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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