you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
