Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
