the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
