i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
