Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
