Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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