non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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