Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
