Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
