Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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