Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize