I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
