I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize