apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
