Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
