he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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