Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my being single is dangerous.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
