So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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