how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
