I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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