what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
