You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
