Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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