I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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