You can't special order awesome
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
