college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
