the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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