We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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