Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
