lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
