checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
