All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
