whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize