Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
