My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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